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I'm not a country music fan.
I don't have cowgirl boots, belt buckles, or stories of racing for prime real estate at the Country Stampede.

The last time I had "big hair" was 1986-ish and my hair was pink and spiked.

But all morning, I've been thinking about that song, "Wide Open Spaces." It could be that Madi has begun her senior year in college or that Kenan's about ready to graduate from nine weeks of scrambling in the woods.

It could be that I'm a little scared. Unqualified. Overwhelmed with what lies ahead and underwhelmed with my ability to meet it in love…all the time. 

Rest & Wandering: I am so grateful that I will be heading west to help my aMayesing friends paint, clean, and move. I'll see the Konza prairie from it's highest point on Radio Tower Hill, past Lizard Rock, around the Hokansen homestead, and into the wild wide open spaces. Just thinking about this makes me cry and sniff and grab for coffee and a hankie.

There is a freedom out there – among the familiar and hard-won friends that I never expected to know when I first rolled back to the Flint Hills.

There is a freedom now – as this Georgia season draws to a close – that I never expected either. No longer am I willing to allow one person to consume all of the air out of a room with their drama or speak offensively about people I love, like, or tolerate – just because they can. The statute of limitations on putting up with that tripe has long ended. 

It is not a Christian thing to allow someone else's wallowing in the muck to drown you and the people you love with mud and filth. It is not love to willingly stand in front of someone's angry tirades and selfishness just because they are related and want to toss some stink into the fan or stir up unhealthy dependence. I don't have time for that.

It seems to me that hard truths, spoken in love, with a hand out to help along the way – that this is a greater expression of love than the cowardice of hiding, hoping, and hopping silently along on broken glass.

I have time to do my best. To speak life and truth and to hear them – even the hard truths – because that is love. Love is not an invitation to carry someone else's dead bodies and absolve them from personal responsibility. That is creating unhealthy dependence, entitlement…misery.

Sometimes love is summed up in, "Get over yourself and take part in the hard work of living. You may find that you'll be happier for it." Or my current favorite, "time for you to learn a little self-rescue. You can do it. I'm here to toss you a line if you need it as you swim to shore."

Too many of us pander and creep along on eggshells to appease an irascible selfishness that will never be satisfied. We keep offering our best stuff to the black hole of a cipher…pearls to pigs. I can't do that anymore. I've offered pearls and I've been the pig.

My favorite people are the one's who love me enough to call me on the carpet – usually with humor – often direct – always in love. It takes a lot of maturity to love like that. My kids and the world changers I get to work alongside are really good at this. 

Do I have it figured out? Uh no. Not in the least.

But I love these people in my life and desire a relationship with folks who are not yet safe. So I'm still thinking about it. And praying. And looking for hope.

Because soon, I'm going to marry a man from Marlin, Texas, who's strength and gentleness and wit and faith takes my breath away. He deserves my imperfect best. 

And I do believe that I am going to love that man – and our Brady Bunch of kids and grandkids – Forever and Ever Amen.

"Wide open spaces…room to make a big mistake." That's what we get to offer one another. All that good space in imperfect earnest love. 

Isaiah 26:3
You, Lord, give perfect peace 
      to those who keep their purpose firm 
      and put their trust in you.

8 responses to “wide open spaces”

  1. Oh, my Beautiful friend and sister. Your words are a wonder to read, knowing where you have come from and looking towards yours and Howards future makes me so very happy. To know that you have at last found the peace, the love, the safety of one that makes your heart sing is such a blessing. Lately I have found myself angry with the past, and not holding things back…my beautiful daughter said, “Mom, either confront the issue with the person or drop it”. What a great wake up call. I am the type of person whom I realize things aren’t going to change…nothing I can say or do will change certain things that people have done or will continue to do. When I have had enough I tend to voice it.

    Did you go too far? Nope, you have a grace,a class, a way of expressing things which I am grateful for. AL, you are amazing and I love you!!!

  2. Oh Allie, this was beautiful!

    One year ago we were both singing different tunes…and look at us now! I thank God for you!

  3. Love your words and the beauty they emit. So excited for the turning pages in your life and the tattered imperfections that seem to be just perfect. You, my dear are amazing.

  4. thanks so much, Mi.

    and pals.

    ultimately, redemption wins the day – or that’s the hope.

    and redemption only exists in truth – hard truth – and forgiveness and taking a knee to our own claim to justice – recognizing the grand grace we’ve been given.

    such a long road, eh?

  5. A resounding sense of agreement from your heart to mine. Thanks for this, Beautiful. Like you, “The statute of limitations on putting up with that tripe has long ended.” This is perfection. Every word. 🙂

  6. Funny thing too Allie: that particular RT song is among our favorites. I listened to it a day or two ago 🙂 And Isaiah 26:3 is our hope and stay. You light up your world.

  7. Wow! that was wonderful, so full of truth and setting you free to be you, without anything hindering you! this encourages me greatly!