I haven’t written a word and the tears are already falling.
How could this be?
Last night, Howard and I fell into bed after a full day: a 3.5 mile run, a conversation about a Good Shepherd and how stupid sheep can be (“you do not find sheep in the wild”); an afternoon of digging a fence to keep Charlie Dog inside the back yard rather than roaming free over Cypress, Texas, and a SuperBowl that blew up Twitter.
A good day.
I thought I’d sleep like Charlie dog in the sun.
But I didn’t.
All night, I had images of the poor and the exploited running through my imagination and memory.
Small children.
Teenagers and runaways.
Frightened adults.
And they had the same look of horror, fear, defeat and despair.
A familiar look to me, once a little tow-headed girl in a pretty plaid dress and an attic room with white curtains and simple stylized red, blue, and yellow flowers on them.
And what made it worse were the images I had seen recently on movie covers that exploited the worst of human behavior. This is not entertainment, folks. This is cultivating selfish, salacious, and searing behavior in people.
I don’t get it.
What sort of debased selfishness looks at people as tools for pleasure?
How did we get so far from the safety of Eden?
How is it that old American men travel to Cambodia and Thailand to have sex with small children and God does not give them all heart attacks before the first touch?
Or European, Asian, African, Polynesian men are allowed to prey on the smallest, frailest bodies?
Or children are pimped by their mothers or “Aunties”?
And it keeps happening.
Is it because we are too afraid to speak up?
We don’t know what to do?
The images are too disturbing and disgusting that we cannot look?
How do you think it feels for those whose bodies are bartered for less than the price of bread?
Small children?
Frail.
God may heal, but some things never go away.
Some horrors only fade.
And the anger you used to keep you alive? God asks you to give it to him – to exchange it for peace – an uncertain and sometimes uneasy peace.
My name is Allie and I and my sister are survivors of non-parental sexual abuse. Pervasive sexual abuse.
So don’t judge me if I drop the f-bomb or mutter “bastard” under my breath when I read the news or my “radar” goes off in a situation. I’m already judging myself. And I’m trying not to judge the people who stood aside, saw the changes in us, and did nothing.
It is good that I am not God.
Sexual predators would not have a chance. Vengeance would be mine alright. I’d circumvent free will and just end that evil right now.
Free will.
Whatever you may think of former House Speaker, Tip O’Neill, his quote that (paraphrase) “Your right to punch me ends at the tip of my nose” has stuck with me.
Your right to explore sexual urges ends at the right of a child’s – another person’s – right to be safe and grow up whole and complete lacking nothing.
Your right to demand your rights to this and that extend to the point of allowing, causing, or fostering harm onto another human being.
This morning, I had the privilege of asking my strong Husband, Howard, to pray for me and for what keeps me awake at night. He did, this strong and loving man.
He stepped into where only a related man could – he stepped in to pray for me and asked God how to love me in wisdom. He did not ask for this, but he stepped up and asked for wisdom. He could not step into the room in “temporary housing” in that rainy place, but he followed where first a predator stood and then later friends had ventured in to pray for healing.
I felt safe.
Thank you so much.
* * *
GUYS (& gals): If a woman (or man) in your life has been abused, prayerfully navigate this with her/him. Ask for prayer and accountability. It’s been my experience/observation that once a woman or man has been sexually exploited, she/he sends a beacon out to predatory people who will further exploit them in often more subtle ways. You cannot save her or him. You can love her or him.
Every painful thing that emerges in this life of loving people is not yours to fix or solve. Sometimes things emerge and radiate in unexpected painful ways – poisonous-feeling. God has not abandoned you or the people you love. Free will is what allows this sort of evil to endure. It is also the vehicle for some of the greatest love that you can offer.
It is incumbent that the wounded seek help. You cannot bring it to them. You cannot fix them. You can offer to walk with them and love them and keep healthy boundaries.
Even if your relationship changes.
You can still pray.
And change the world.
If you see something that you suspect is abuse, remember that “no one has permission to stand aside.” Throw up quick prayers, ask for counsel, and perhaps you will be the one who helps someone – even the smallest, frailest or oldest among us – out of the darkness of despair and pain and into life and light and healing.
These things take time, but why wait to help save a life?
Thank You. I love you Alpal.
words cannot suffice for the feeling i have in my heart right now. but tears can.
love you, mrs. price.
Well – there it is. Thank you. That took courage. One has to be strong enough inside for the potential blowback it will provoke. But it’s always like that. There’s always a cost to greater levels of freedom.
For those of us cheering you on, it is thrilling to see.
Holy.
this is so good. i really love your heart.
So glad you finally feel safe. So glad you could articulate this. So very, very sad that you had to experience it.
My Dearest AMP, how can I ever tell you how proud I am to be not just your sister by blood, yet your sister by choice. GOD truly knew what HE was doing to put us together growing up. You were and continue to be a cheerleader for me.You don’t always understand my feelings,thought,ideas, ideas and actions, yet I know you are always supporting Moe and my actions,and choices. You have held me when I cried in grief, anger and joy. You have prayed for not just me, yet my family. You once asked me if Moe and I returned to Kansas because of you and your children. Yes, but not why you thought. Moe and I prayed long and hard about where we might move to. Our prayers were simple…send us Oh LORD to where we are supposed to be. HE sent us here. You welcomed us home with open hearts, arms and prayers. You called and asked”what can we do to help you”. We painted, we prayed, we talked and we were given a chance to get to know two of the most amazing people we have ever met. Your children!!!! Oh AL, what a fantastic blessing. All of you gave us time,laughter, encouragement to face a life neither one of us had lived. The more we talked it seemed the same topics often came up, gut wrenching,tears falling, laughter….and validation for our history. You gave us the strength, the will, the need to help children who either had no voice or felt like their voices weren’t heard a chance to be heard. Due to the love and support from Madi, Kenan, and you we became foster and adoptive parents. You babysat Hana for me when we first got her, you prayed for her and asked GOD to bless her and keep her safe. Each child you met were greeted with open arms. You held me when I cried, let me vent when I needed to…and all along YOU stood not behind Moe and I, but right beside us. The day my youngest child was removed from our home, Kenan was there to love on us all, tears running down his face. He turned to me, held me and said, “Aunt Mimi, I am so sorry, I wish I could do something….something tells me he will be okay and k owes all love him”‘. My fears, my nightmares from our childhood ha e haunted me for years. On that day I realized that GOD had put more than one or two men in my life who will fight White Tigers for me and those the love. Kenan seemed so happy with each new family member that we have given him. I don’t know who had more fun at Tony’ s adoption party…Tony of Kenan. Madi who takes time out of her life when one of her cousins need or want something. Madi was the first girl Tony ever asked to marry him. They both treat Chi like a cousin who they may not always agree with…yet always try to do the friend cousin/friend thing…example the color run. OH HECK…LOOK A CHICKEN!!!! Again started to say something and wondered off on several different topics. It boils down to this…I Hate what we wet through repeatedly as children!!! Does it make me a better person? Doubtful, I know some pretty amazing people who never experienced any part of what we had happen to us as children. However I do believe that it lead us to who and what we are today. VOICES that won’t be silenced for unjust behavior. On 02-18-2013, I will be going to court to speak at both the prosecuting and defense lawyers request. I was unable to stop a young man from attacking his own two-year sister. I WILL BE HER VOICE, SHE WILL BE HEARD!!!!! The evil that lives within that sixteen year old will be reminded daily, that there is a GOD…and he is so lucky that I am not HIM. I love you AL, I am blessed to have you in my life…We give grammatically for GOD for you, your family and your happiness with Howard. Allie we are blessed in our lives, for years I allowed my anger, self worth, my feelings of dirty, unloveable to be ruled by our past. I now know that through it all GOD was there with me. I REMEMBER rooms, smells, weather everything….but am blessed by the knowledge that we survived, and I won the jackpot with my family.Far from perfect,all needing a lot of work in so many areas. Knowing that I pray for all my children’s lives to include their spiritual lives. You taught me about forgiveness,and Christ LOVE…thank you my Sweet baby sister and friend. I will be forever grateful that GOD put us in each other’s lives. You are an amazing woman, fantastic friend and teacher and a true blessing to ha don’t life. I LOVE YOU MY SWEET AMP!!!!!!
I love you, Mi.
You, your family, your fierce love & strength give me courage & hope. And look at us – great kids, terrific husbands…perfect comic timing.
Who could ask for anything more.
(Thank you for making my birthday cake when I was ten. Even the gummy bears were awesome.)
I can’t believe it has taken me more than a month to respond but the truth is I’ve have no words. I’ve thought and prayed long and hard about what to say to my youngest, toe headed cousin who grew up far away and seemed wise and worldly to me as a child. The little girl so surrounded by siblings, places, people, and parents I only knew for 2 weeks each summer. Who sang to me with her sister when I was homesick in Washington and was always ready with a game of fun and distraction. Never did I imagine the pain behind the smile. I’ve considered “what if I had known”; would it have changed anything? If you had shared your secret, would I have been brave? Would I have had the power to rescue you? I don’t like the answers that come to me. I know this is a burden that you pick up everyday and carry; it is heavy, snarly, and most unpleasant and when you sleep you ache to lay it down but it follows you. I have experienced this kind of burden but not as a child and not so horrorifying. You are so brave, you are chosen, you are purchased, and will be free. May God hold you in His hands, give you peace and comfort, and bless you. I love you!