I haven't written a word and the tears are already falling.

How could this be?

Last night, Howard and I fell into bed after a full day: a 3.5 mile run, a conversation about a Good Shepherd and how stupid sheep can be ("you do not find sheep in the wild"); an afternoon of digging a fence to keep Charlie Dog inside the back yard rather than roaming free over Cypress, Texas, and a SuperBowl that blew up Twitter.

A good day.

I thought I'd sleep like Charlie dog in the sun.

But I didn't.

All night, I had images of the poor and the exploited running through my imagination and memory. 

Small children.

Teenagers and runaways.

Frightened adults.

And they had the same look of horror, fear, defeat and despair.

A familiar look to me, once a little tow-headed girl in a pretty plaid dress and an attic room with white curtains and simple stylized red, blue, and yellow flowers on them. 

And what made it worse were the images I had seen recently on movie covers that exploited the worst of human behavior. This is not entertainment, folks. This is cultivating selfish, salacious, and searing behavior in people.

I don't get it. 

What sort of debased selfishness looks at people as tools for pleasure?

How did we get so far from the safety of Eden?

How is it that old American men travel to Cambodia and Thailand to have sex with small children and God does not give them all heart attacks before the first touch?

Or European, Asian, African, Polynesian men are allowed to prey on the smallest, frailest bodies? 

Or children are pimped by their mothers or "Aunties"?

And it keeps happening.

Is it because we are too afraid to speak up?

We don't know what to do?

The images are too disturbing and disgusting that we cannot look?

How do you think it feels for those whose bodies are bartered for less than the price of bread?

Small children?

Frail.

God may heal, but some things never go away.

Some horrors only fade.

And the anger you used to keep you alive? God asks you to give it to him - to exchange it for peace - an uncertain and sometimes uneasy peace.

My name is Allie and I and my sister are survivors of non-parental sexual abuse. Pervasive sexual abuse.

So don't judge me if I drop the f-bomb or mutter "bastard" under my breath when I read the news or my "radar" goes off in a situation. I'm already judging myself. And I'm trying not to judge the people who stood aside, saw the changes in us, and did nothing.

It is good that I am not God.

Sexual predators would not have a chance. Vengeance would be mine alright. I'd circumvent free will and just end that evil right now. 

Free will.

Whatever you may think of former House Speaker, Tip O'Neill, his quote that (paraphrase) "Your right to punch me ends at the tip of my nose" has stuck with me.

Your right to explore sexual urges ends at the right of a child's - another person's - right to be safe and grow up whole and complete lacking nothing.

Your right to demand your rights to this and that extend to the point of allowing, causing, or fostering harm onto another human being.

This morning, I had the privilege of asking my strong Husband, Howard, to pray for me and for what keeps me awake at night. He did, this strong and loving man.

He stepped into where only a related man could - he stepped in to pray for me and asked God how to love me in wisdom. He did not ask for this, but he stepped up and asked for wisdom. He could not step into the room in "temporary housing" in that rainy place, but he followed where first a predator stood and then later friends had ventured in to pray for healing.

I felt safe.

Thank you so much.

*  *  *

GUYS (& gals): If a woman (or man) in your life has been abused, prayerfully navigate this with her/him. Ask for prayer and accountability.  It's been my experience/observation that once a woman or man has been sexually exploited, she/he sends a beacon out to predatory people who will further exploit them in often more subtle ways. You cannot save her or him. You can love her or him. 

Every painful thing that emerges in this life of loving people is not yours to fix or solve. Sometimes things emerge and radiate in unexpected painful ways - poisonous-feeling. God has not abandoned you or the people you love. Free will is what allows this sort of evil to endure. It is also the vehicle for some of the greatest love that you can offer.

It is incumbent that the wounded seek help. You cannot bring it to them. You cannot fix them. You can offer to walk with them and love them and keep healthy boundaries. 

Even if your relationship changes.

You can still pray. 

And change the world.

If you see something that you suspect is abuse, remember that "no one has permission to stand aside." Throw up quick prayers, ask for counsel, and perhaps you will be the one who helps someone - even the smallest, frailest or oldest among us - out of the darkness of despair and pain and into life and light and healing.

These things take time, but why wait to help save a life?