Last night, after a bad sitcom kind of evening which included a puppy with comedic timing, a dousing of my computer, a simple project transforming into a series of unfortunate events, and the untimely death of a velvety black spider larger than any I'd ever seen outside of a Zoo (R.I.P.), I had a moment to reflect and a stout coffee to wash it all down. 

After all that coffee and frustration, I had plenty of fuel to keep me awake as the dark North Georgia night settled into slumber.

I wondered at the day: the hurrahs, the comeuppances, the walk with Ann, the distance between the kids and I, and a conversation I'd had with a new friend about a repurposed life, hope, and the gift of wonder.

The uncalcuable value of wonder - the uncountable wealth of its return - has broken into my life.

When one lives on eggshells with "truth" that is self-serving, changeable, and so often UNtrue - it becomes second nature to scan the landscape for mines, pitfalls, and snipers of every kind.

Everything becomes calculable - an "if/then" function. If I say this true thing, then this undesirable thing is likely to happen. If I ask for what I need, then I will hear what an ungrateful person I am. If I cry, I'll be told that I will be given something to cry about.

It's like living in a war zone of the soul where you only risk racing through the erratic fire for the essentials; to try to get to a safe place for nourishment - food for the soul - fresh water. 

Every venture out becomes scary and soon what is scary is the silence. Each attempt at daily life is a risky challenge course in the inevitable salvo...blitzkrieg of accusations, demands, derision, and death of worth and wonder.

Wonder becomes a luxury for the safe.

Wonder involves risk and surprise (shudder!). Wonder becomes a liability and you learn to only engage in what has a calculable/controllable outcome. 

Death of wonder rather sucks the soul out of life. 

And yet somehow, in the wild untamed love of God, he has returned wonder to me.

Somehow, after nearly 30 years of seeking him, curiosity has rebloomed into wonder.

It takes a certain amount of wonder to risk that there is a God.

And that this God might just love

and love you

and ask for nothing in return, but the feeble love we have to offer.

Wonder risks that the unknowable can be known

and the unlovable (me)

can be loved...not manipulated nor controlled

but loved

extravagantly

sacrificially

and freely.

Wonder breathes fresh air

and light into the finest crack of the fortress wall - 

eroding cement and stone.

Wonder -

childlike "woOOOO" -

releases control 

that grip of the if/then function

and invites the unknown

to come in for tea, hot chocolate, and life.

Wonder - after so many years of seeking and finding God -

is teaching me to rest in the cradle of an undefinable

unstoppable love

to trust

and receive

grace

and forgiveness

and rest.

And to give love

without reservation.

Wonder 

is God's greatest wealth

to

and in 

my redeemed

repurposed

soul.

I am becoming wealthy again.