Last night, after a bad sitcom kind of evening which included a puppy with comedic timing, a dousing of my computer, a simple project transforming into a series of unfortunate events, and the untimely death of a velvety black spider larger than any I'd ever seen outside of a Zoo (R.I.P.), I had a moment to reflect and a stout coffee to wash it all down.
After all that coffee and frustration, I had plenty of fuel to keep me awake as the dark North Georgia night settled into slumber.
I wondered at the day: the hurrahs, the comeuppances, the walk with Ann, the distance between the kids and I, and a conversation I'd had with a new friend about a repurposed life, hope, and the gift of wonder.
The uncalcuable value of wonder – the uncountable wealth of its return – has broken into my life.
When one lives on eggshells with "truth" that is self-serving, changeable, and so often UNtrue – it becomes second nature to scan the landscape for mines, pitfalls, and snipers of every kind.
Everything becomes calculable – an "if/then" function. If I say this true thing, then this undesirable thing is likely to happen. If I ask for what I need, then I will hear what an ungrateful person I am. If I cry, I'll be told that I will be given something to cry about.
It's like living in a war zone of the soul where you only risk racing through the erratic fire for the essentials; to try to get to a safe place for nourishment – food for the soul – fresh water.
Every venture out becomes scary and soon what is scary is the silence. Each attempt at daily life is a risky challenge course in the inevitable salvo…blitzkrieg of accusations, demands, derision, and death of worth and wonder.
Wonder becomes a luxury for the safe.
Wonder involves risk and surprise (shudder!). Wonder becomes a liability and you learn to only engage in what has a calculable/controllable outcome.
Death of wonder rather sucks the soul out of life.
And yet somehow, in the wild untamed love of God, he has returned wonder to me.
Somehow, after nearly 30 years of seeking him, curiosity has rebloomed into wonder.
It takes a certain amount of wonder to risk that there is a God.
And that this God might just love
and love you
and ask for nothing in return, but the feeble love we have to offer.
Wonder risks that the unknowable can be known
and the unlovable (me)
can be loved…not manipulated nor controlled
but loved
extravagantly
sacrificially
and freely.
Wonder breathes fresh air
and light into the finest crack of the fortress wall –
eroding cement and stone.
Wonder –
childlike "woOOOO" –
releases control
that grip of the if/then function
and invites the unknown
to come in for tea, hot chocolate, and life.
Wonder – after so many years of seeking and finding God –
is teaching me to rest in the cradle of an undefinable
unstoppable love
to trust
and receive
grace
and forgiveness
and rest.
And to give love
without reservation.
Wonder
is God's greatest wealth
to
and in
my redeemed
repurposed
soul.
I am becoming wealthy again.
Believe it or not, I understand your awesome blog, at least from my perspective! My old life had become a Land-Mine field, afraid to pick up the phone for fear of another negative emotional explosion! Its been about 12 yrs now since I’ve learned to trust the good things that are happening in my life without looking over my shoulder. God has been with me & my family throughout my raising the Kids, into adults, both very responsible & gifted at helping others along the way. Through my connection with the Bible & my church family, I have learned that I can go to sleep with a problem & after praying about it, God guides me& I even can get a good nights sleep. Now that they are on their own, its tough making all the decisions without someone to help talk you through things. Thats when I get alone, & talk to my “ABAH Father” My Jehova Jira, my Best Friend! I wish I could give you an example of our relationship but it would be too long to tell you where I have been, or where I am at now with God by my side. Thank you for your candidness, which touched my inner being to understand that you too are learning to trust the only God who Loves us unconditionally! Praise the Lord, & God Bless you!
Awesome blog. All I can say is, “post hoc ergo propter hoc”. It’s fallacious.