Some things I know like making your own coffee creamer sounds like a better idea than it really is and that gas in church is infinitely to the infinite power more funny than air biscuits in a field of corn. I know that I think of Kenan every time I'm in my kitchen because of the care he took to set it up for me when I moved here. And I know that I use one of the cups that Madi painted for me each morning with my coffee because of the care she took to paint it just so. Yum.
I know that swimming and hiking and quiet are restorative as are the company of family and friends that genuinely love you. That sun generates more than just Vitamin D in me, puppies are cute, color makes me happy, and that my apartment really needs to be picked up. And I know that a God I cannot see loves all of us just because. After that, the rest is sketchy.
There was a time when I was young and foolish (6 months ago), when I still believed that I knew a heck of a lot. Outward attempts at humility thinly cloaked a proud and surly heart (Did you know that there is a mountain-etc bike company called "Surly"?) Pride and fear mixed a cocktail of competition, unrest, and "do more" – a wounded need to be all anyone can be. Lots of fun to be around. Oh yea.
And all the time I thought I knew love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control (against such things there is no law.)
What I knew was that years ago I had tasted a sweetness of freedom and rescue that I could never forget – and later moments of drinking that sweetness deeply. Then I'd climb back on the need-for-speed-wagon and the I'm-so-thirsty-but-drowning-in-grace (forgiveness, clemency, pardon) mindset and stumble on.
I think this is one thing that I share with most folks: the drowning-in-mercifulness-while-dying-of-thirst-for-it. It's all around and yet we don't stoop to drink it.
I had more to prove, more to do, more to earn in a never-ending hamster wheel of performance and striving. That whole "cease striving and know that I am God" thing…for weenies. The reminder that we are dust in the wind (Psalm 103:14)? For those who can't press on and get it done. (sigh.)
And yet – all of that getting it done and doing and striving to please just got me one thing…or a constellation of something – tired. I was exhausted, surly, crabby, terrified of being found out, failing, letting people down, stressed out, and so much more…or less.
Moving to Gainesville to serve with Adventures in Missions did not become the overnight "shock and awe" sensation I'd expected. Even after I'd applied more prayer, more time, more work…more cowbell, the results weren't getting any better – only worse. And I made a new friend…failure.
Did you know that there is freedom in failure?
Now, I'm not all "deedley dee, I'm failing!" But at least I'm learning to not let failure or the fear of it or losing reputation as a (fill in the blanks & try to use the term "super-genius") keep a strangle hold on me. The invisible of fear and pride can really put you in a headlock if you are not able to find rest in the ocean of mercy…grace…redemption.
Though wondering about the future still makes my breath catch in my throat at times, I now know that I can rely and depend on the love that this unseen God has for me. His kindnesses and footprints are unmistakable and sure. So I am no longer on the lookout for applause or reputation (still working on that, I guess). Now, I am on the lookout for the marks God makes along the trail to show me the way home.
Below is one of my favorite songs, though I don't go to it very often because it is an admission of how little I or we know. (David Crowder sums Psalm 139 up nicely in his song, How He Loves. I tried to teach one of the birds at Sunset Zoo to whistle this. Don't whistle it on grounds, please, my friends may respond…)
Psalm 139
New American Standard Bible (NASB)
For the choir director. A Psalm of David.
1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
3 You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O LORD, You know it all.
5 You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.
7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol (hell), behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,”
12 Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.
13 For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
16 Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.
17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
When I awake, I am still with You.
19 O that You would slay the wicked, O God;
Depart from me, therefore, men of bloodshed.
20 For they speak against You wickedly,
And Your enemies take Your name in vain.
21 Do I not hate those who hate You, O LORD?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
22 I hate them with the utmost hatred;
They have become my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
24 And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way. (or I'm toast – emphasis is mine)
I'd love to hear what you know or are coming to know or don't know anymore. Please respond to this and any/all of these blog posts. You certainly may have insight where I've missed the mark or where to find the next mark along the trail.
Cheers!
Psalm 139
God’s Omnipresence and Omniscience.
For the choir director. A Psalm of David.
1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know [a]when I sit down and [b]when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
3 You [c]scrutinize my [d]path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
4 [e]Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O LORD, You know it all.
5 You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.
7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in [f]Sheol, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will [g]overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,”
12 Even the darkness is not dark [h]to You,
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.
13 For You formed my [i]inward parts;
You wove me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will give thanks to You, for [j]I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
15 My [k]frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
16 Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.
17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
When I awake, I am still with You.
19 O that You would slay the wicked, O God;
Depart from me, therefore, men of bloodshed.
20 For they speak [l]against You wickedly,
And Your enemies [m]take Your name in vain.
21 Do I not hate those who hate You, O LORD?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
22 I hate them with the utmost hatred;
They have become my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
24 And see if there be any [n]hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.
Psalm 139
New American Standard Bible (NASB)
Psalm 139
God’s Omnipresence and Omniscience.
For the choir director. A Psalm of David.
1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know [a]when I sit down and [b]when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
3 You [c]scrutinize my [d]path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
4 [e]Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O LORD, You know it all.
5 You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.
7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in [f]Sheol, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will [g]overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,”
12 Even the darkness is not dark [h]to You,
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.
13 For You formed my [i]inward parts;
You wove me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will give thanks to You, for [j]I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
15 My [k]frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
16 Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.
17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
When I awake, I am still with You.
19 O that You would slay the wicked, O God;
Depart from me, therefore, men of bloodshed.
20 For they speak [l]against You wickedly,
And Your enemies [m]take Your name in vain.
21 Do I not hate those who hate You, O LORD?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
22 I hate them with the utmost hatred;
They have become my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
24 And see if there be any [n]hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.
Psalm 139
New American Standard Bible (NASB)
Psalm 139
God’s Omnipresence and Omniscience.
For the choir director. A Psalm of David.
1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know [a]when I sit down and [b]when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
3 You [c]scrutinize my [d]path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
4 [e]Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O LORD, You know it all.
5 You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.
7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in [f]Sheol, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will [g]overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,”
12 Even the darkness is not dark [h]to You,
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.
13 For You formed my [i]inward parts;
You wove me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will give thanks to You, for [j]I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
15 My [k]frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
16 Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.
17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
When I awake, I am still with You.
19 O that You would slay the wicked, O God;
Depart from me, therefore, men of bloodshed.
20 For they speak [l]against You wickedly,
And Your enemies [m]take Your name in vain.
21 Do I not hate those who hate You, O LORD?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
22 I hate them with the utmost hatred;
They have become my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
24 And see if there be any [n]hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.
(Galatians 5:22-23 ESV)
This is beautiful Allie and reminds me of our conversations. Thank you!