Risk Taking & ramblings of freedom

When I was younger, someone I loved and trusted told me often that I was "too smart to find my way out of a paper bag."

I believed it…

until recently when I took a risky long look back and realized that I'm not that smart, but I can navigate my way out of a paper bag

• in and out of car repairs
• car purchases
• home repairs, painting, and sales
• the online FAFSA
• new jobs
• moving to the southlands
• new loves
• tough choices
• new utility providers
• new hair salons
• relationships
• disappointments
• smartphones
• cross-country drives
• cleaning up after poor decision-making
• forgiveness and
• everyday
• ordinary 
• life

I've failed.

Made a bloody mess of some things.

But crazy this…

I'm still standing.
I have great kids
and somehow
friends who love me.

(I'm still amazed.)

And I still make goofy
distracted mistakes

and like Opus
I wish for wings that work.

It was risky to step out of the crappy words that someone spoke over me
and try to hear
then believe 
something new.

Like that I am fearfully and wonderfully made

• that skull running tights are good for long snowy slogs over Flint Hills
• somebody might genuinely love me 
• my quirks and wounds might have contributed to the pain that we experienced so many years ago
• that I'm not perfect nor do I need to be
• these friends & this family are going to love no-matter-what, but will not suffer fools easily or quietly
• most decisions – even poor decisions – are not forever
• I have something worth offering
• I am not alone – unless I choose to be
• Healthy boundaries = freedom
• it is a waste to read & believe my own press

There is such freedom in this new life-ing
where the truth
however light or heavy
brings freedom
and hope
and a safe place to surrender
to lay down the dead bodies of shame and regret I've carried around.

There are more adventures to be had and risks to be tried.

Maybe one day I'll ride the Orient Express and walk the Silk Road
Fully embrace – unrestrained
choose not to lock all the doors and scan for escape in the car wash
not worry about using my neti pot
or of the certainty of making mistakes.

It's a big short life.

Let's make this fun.