Lately, I've been thinking about Dorian Gray, the main character in Oscar Wilde's only published novel, A Picture of Dorian Gray.
He was beautiful.
And self-obsessed.
Dorian was so afraid of losing his beauty that he sold his soul to the devil to keep it and his youth.*
The caveat? A portrait of Dorian aged while he remained youthful, handsome, and innocent in appearance. Not only did the picture age, but it began to reflect the damage Dorian did to his own soul through his increasingly selfish and callous lifestyle.
Dorian's brand of decadent was the "we're-going-to-hell-for-that" rather than too-many-Dove-dark-chocolates variety. A bit of murder, raucous romps among revelers, a cold-hearted blaming of others, and a recusal from all responsibility were Dorian's fare.
My thoughts about Dorian Gray and his portrait have been thoughts of faith and transparency and redemption.
What would my portrait reveal if I had one that guaged my spiritual condition hanging over the mantel?
And how long would that dog be allowed for public viewing? I'm guessing a minute…minute and a half depending on how fast I could rip it from the wall.
The secret thoughts? Unnoticed sins? Bitter attitudes…
Just thinking of this has my heart beating faster than the rain pelting the windowsill.
And I love this Jesus and want to honor him.
How deformed would my eyes become in such a painting? How smirky and wretched would my mouth be? Would it drip the blood and poison that is so often overflowing from my heart? Would my painted hands clench and my body stoop under the weight of bad beginnings and worry and decay?
Yes. Yes. And yes.
Despite the not-so-subtle reminders from an unseen enemy about my spiritually funk-dog state, I have the promise of forgiveness and a soul that is – despite my best efforts – "white as snow."
I have been redeemed.
This unseen God is in constant state of redeeming me.
Because he loves me.
Despite myself.
I don't get it. Nor can I earn it.
Which is why I am transparent to the point of absurdity these days. If my failures and foolishness and God's consistent grace can encourage another traveler, than good enough. My life isn't a complete waste of breath.
If a peek into the room where I hide the portrait of Allie Lousch creates a space for life and light to break into a weary world, than I can live with the embarrassment and potential humiliation,
And the accountability. Because it is when we shirk accountability, that we think we are invincible and above reproach. So call me on the carpet if needed. Be gentle if you can. Be direct. I'd rather be wrong for a moment than living in a body of death.
Psalm 26:2 (ESV)
Prove me, O LORD, and try me; test my heart and my mind. (some versions speak of testing motives).
* * *
Thoughts on The Picture of Dorian Gray
- despite popular editing, the title is "The Picture…" rather than "The Portrait…."
- much of Dorian Gray's descent into self-destruction came via the influence of one man
- at the story's end, Dorian reacts, but does not RESPOND
- I've not read the whole book at once, but it is one that will make a lot of folks squeamish or indignant. I'll avoid the movie as I'd rather not have the more salacious images in my memory. I blush too easily and don't need more of that sort of influence in my consciousness and heart.
- Yes, Oscar Wilde, the author, was reportedly gay. And he was a human being who seemed to wrestle with his heart and the divine. He was loved by a God he couldn't see, just like the rest of us lusty liars and scamps. And Oscar seemed to understand the heart of man. I think I'd have loved his company.
A final thought from a tiny book in a mobile library (my pink Message bible):
1 John 5:18, "We know that none of the God-begotten makes a practice of sin – fatal sin."
One more thought about Dorian Gray (who's shadow dwells in all of us)
In a weary world, we cannot deny that our attitudes, selfishness, poor word-choice and foolishness affects others – wounds many. It is the intentional practice of this that wedges separation between us and a God who loves us. The PRACTICE and PURSUIT of sin is what furthered Dorian Gray's descent into madness and a beautiful and youthful despair. I'd rather be wrinkly and at peace – imperfect – than gorgeous and gangrenous in my soul.
*The United States spends $160 Billion on beauty products, nips, and tucks each year (2009 statistic). That is more than the Gross National Product and Domestic Debt in many countries.
I’m with you. It all gets revealed before the God who made us at the end of our lives anyway, so why not deal with reality now?
I think it seems much easier to hide the inner ugliness, and hold on to whatever it is that attracts us to it rather than releasing it. Purity and goodness are impossible, and grace too amazing sometimes to believe.
Mary- a “grace too amazing sometimes to believe”…too true.
A couple of reasons not to deal with reality and to hide behind a thin veneer of respectability are shame, pride, reputation, and perhaps fear that forgiveness and grace must be bought by our own personal demise. How is it possible that someone else pay the price for our forgiveness? Who could possibly suffer such humiliation so that I wouldn’t have to? Why? Amazing Grace! Still contemplating the enormity of it.