Is it wrong to want to be a wife?
To have invested years and tears and time into an education and experience to turn a corner and finally face what I want to do – to be a wife and mum…and walk-besider?
I'm no less intelligent or strong, hard-working, quirky, or willing to barrel first down the lift line on a pair of too-long skis. I'm just finally fessing up to what is in my heart after decades of denying it.
So I wanted to be president…and a physicist…and all sorts of other things that sound great and include seeds of interest that are real and true. Ultimately however, I want to be a wife. And I never would have fessed up to it had I not been asked this while zipping through the training center's kitchen looking for leftovers.
"What do you want?", said my unsuspecting guy friend (surrounded by a few other married guy friends).
Out blurted, "A home to be filled with community and great love with a writing cabin out back that I share with a long-ish-haired guy who loves me and God deeply…and our kids…and community-with his side being neat and tidy and my side spilling with color and words and ideas and it's still okay."
And I was so embarrassed and confused that this dream had spilled out into the open…with a bunch of my guy friends…in the middle of the training camp kitchen (headed by the very talented, Zach Parish). One of my friends said, "AHA! I can't believe you finally said it out loud! Your real Kingdom Dream!" and put his fist up for a bump…
Yep. That's it. There she blows…that dream of mine. A place for community, for home, for life lived intentionally so as not to miss the little things. To give as I've received – graciousness and life. And a hand to hold. And I'm still the same old running, debating, thinking, wondering, leading, me…only more honest now that the dream is out.
Which brings me to why Life is like Wal·Mart. The little things add up.
I want to fill my life and pour into others the little things that make life bearable, joyful, fresh, fun, and community. I willingly would relinquish the little things like meetings and pay scales and promotions, resumés, and more. I appreciate the experiences with those "little things" that I have had and the folks whose hearts find them as "big things". In the immortal words of H.I. McDunnough of Raising Arizona fame, "It's just not me no more."
To have time to meet friends for lunch and listen to their hearts, to open up my home and make it available for small groups, cheesy movie nights (Thanks Jayson Guengerich!), life-giving conversation, prayer, quiet, 
respite, and refreshing – this is my heart. To unpack all of what's left of my artsy-fartsy closet, writing ideas, and cooking adventures into an offering and to stock up on pillows, blankets, coffee, and creamer so that folks can come and rest.
To have time and energy to listen well.
I – we – don't have to prove that we are corporate-worthy and then whisper that we want to be wives or husbands with it's own basket of tough days.
My best friend is a great wife and mum. She shares a marriage with one of the greatest guys I know. She is an administrative genius – marketing purple and all of that. Does my declaration suggest that she should pack up her purple polo (Kansas State University) and "go home"? Heck NO! Though she is worlds better at knitting than I am (I think trained chimps would be better at knitting than I) and baking…and being an approachable loving wife and mom, she is also a TREMENDOUS Marketing Manager for a world-class university. She's brilliant. And he's so talented and resourceful…their kids are so lucky to have them.
Do I think working outside of the home is evil? Hell no.
Just for me…Allie Lousch…my heart is towards home. Writing letters to my kids, walking the dog around the neighborhood (need a dog first) to meet the neighbors, and being purposefully available to the people in my life and the God who saved me.
Will I get hate mail from this post? Maybe.
Am I afraid that I don't have what it takes to make it in corporate America? No, not really. (Okay sometimes.) Am I going to wait by the curb and hope that mister right calls or accept the first offer of matrimony that I hear? No, I will not. It hasn't happened in the past and will not happen now. I do wonder if I still have what it takes to be married and nurture home.
And marriage is hard. But my happiest times are prepping home for Madi and Kenan and friends and family to swing by. I'd love to be able to run by the Chamber and pick Marcia up for lunch – maximizing the time we have without worrying about the lunch "hour" or start dinner for Trish and Gil during their busy days. Wouldn't it be great to be able to roadtrip to my kids' and friends' for a few days – meeting people along the way – and not worry about the office or computer jostling along the backseat? How cool to be able to invite folks out for a day on the Konza prairie or in the North Georgia mountains to 
get away, to be refreshed, and to listen to their hearts?
So yes…giggle if you must. But do not assume that I judge you or anyone else. More likely, I'm judging me instead, by tired assumptions and the reality that I'm a romantic at heart with a crusty exterior.
Finding home. Inviting the weary world in. That's my Kingdom Dream.
Blog Bonus: Homeward Bound
SUPER BLOG BONUS: All I Can Say by the David Crowder Band (thanks Karis!)
It’s a beautiful Kingdom dream. May God bless it and multiply it my friend!
I think my girls share that dream. Two of them (Talia & Karen) have gotten it. I’m praying for the others. It’s a righteous dream. One worth fighting for.
you write beautifully. im a big fan of your blog.
and i too share that dream.