10.11.2011.
You are here.
Thank you.
I am in pieces
though not angry
or bitter
or freaking out.
Thank you.
You are here
and it makes all of the difference.
Though I've spent many
terrified nights
and morning moments
begging you to show up.
And wonder
with all of this unease
and foul mouth
and wondering
and praying
and not recognizing
and longing…
do I even know you
and if I know you
do I love you
Lord – please – have your way in me.
My heart races a bit
just writing that
to be so vulnerable.
The Reality
I'm alone
unsure
wondering if I fit in anywhere
in community
in your plan
in the crook of my husband's arm
as we curl into each other in the late night watch
in being more than just
a disconnected
discombobulated
drone
Please Lord, have your way in me
Help me to get out of your way
And To Love – to Live really
Way past my comfort zone.
And please
take care of the people I love
and pray for -pelt you with
prayers each day.
With all I have – a quirky, scarred up
understanding – I love you.
Amen.
A note: I have reams of notebooks (or had until I moved and burned & shredded them) of prayers spanning years. Praying is my thing. As much as I wrestle with God, there is something inherent in me that believes he is and that he really wants to hear my prayers-not as a voyeur or confessor, but as a loving dad. And writing this, I have an image of my dad sitting on the marble staircase that wound to our basement at 19 Holderlinweg #1 in Altbach along the Neckar River. I am crying and bewildered – about 10 years old – and life is hard and lonely and I'm wearing my brother's clothes (ugh.) But my dad takes the time to hear my sobbed out complaints and terrors and bewilderment. And though he doesn't have any answers and true to his nature-he's got a bazillion things on his plate-he stays there with me-allowing me to wipe my goobered up nose on his shirt. This is a rare and persistent memory and is probably one of the few anchors that has held my faith in many turbulent seas.
so this morning, when in bed, then on my face, and then with taped together mechanical pencil in hand, this scribbled forth from my heart-i had an assurance that i was in the right place-taking my heart to the right "person". i never intended to share it with anyone-I DON'T SHARE these prayers-I burn them and shred them. yet a persistent –post this before you go– knocked on my head & heart until I finally sat down cross-legged before my red stool/computer table and barfed it here for posting. And then of course…came this qualifier. And it's past time to get ready for the drive to work.
And Lord-this is your gig. Please be glorified-revealed-in all I do today. I am so small. You are so big. The uncertain way seems insurmountable and you keep emptying me of all I knew except for love for you and for the kids and the people on the plains and in the hills. (sigh.) I don't want to waste your time nor mine. And off we go to ready for work. Amen.
